This is a scratchy* and very basic guide with humor (the notes* are at the end of this document) or at least more than most ‘guides’ out here, since some of our authors were successful in using cursive words to make a point and also sarcasm, because the irony is that we need to be made perceptive that what you read might not actually be true and that in fact the exact opposite is true and this self-discovery makes for a great reminder not only of the point that is made but also of the importance of common sense

Right after this being said I can start with a short list of stuff all need to do, and need, not want. No, need.

8-step Guide(with humor)

First, before you read on, you need to open yourself physically** to the couple of things I am gonna bring across. (you don’t have to agree, just be open for it to possibly agree with you) Also I’m gonna make it as short and sharp as possible so you can laugh while you hurtin’

1) Love is the greatest unhappiness-machine ever built, so what about love? Well lets just make this short and simple: do that shit instead of speaking about it and writing endless songs about the same stuff

2) Get a smartphone, because its cool. Also check how often you take that thing to just fizzle around with it and use the smartphone as a tool to check how stupid you really are

3) Envy is like driving with your handbrake on, it works perfectly

4) Its much better to start with as little as possible, contrary to believe it doesn’t help to write a 1000 page document with everything you need, the problem is you can not know when you need what. It would be easier to burn it and start from scratch and stroke what you put down with the things you actually do

5) It pays off to be able to do things you are not good at, this doesn’t mean it always pays off but at least it outweighs not being able to do anything and the other things you can do won’t be so helpless

6) Don’t turn the other cheek***, rather stop the next hit and preferably prevent being hit all together (one slap is enough to make a point and actually not really necessary either)

7) The only thing you can control is breath and this is limited as well, you can’t stop breathing without some help so its only up to you how you breathe. The main problem with this is that when you think you are in control but aren’t unexpected things happen, like death

8) Death is also the worst that can happen in a very practical sense; its very hard to do stuff when you are dead. Making yourself vulnerable is the only way you get anything worth living for, because you actually put life in it you get life back

Jesus in the Hood

Say there would be, not saying that there will be, but say there would be a savior like Jesus or whatever figure and that person would find out that the entire herd (I haven’t read the bible but i heard that it was something with sheep and herders, which should be a clue already to not old people that it is slightly outdated) has been sittin’ in big boring outdated stone buildings ringing a bell, just… waiting

Ask yourself this: “how come this asshole god would put only one (white?) man on the earth to save an entire race?”I mean what the fuck. Fortunately a lot of people realize that even fore thee olde timees thisee isee awkwardee****

The other side of the above is that you need to be able to place yourself in the shoes***** of Jesus which could for example go like this:

Homie from Jesus’s Hood ringing Jesus…

Jesus: “…yeh, who’s this?”

Homie: “Hey J, its your homeboy. Do you need anything or you good?”

Jesus: “I need money”

Homie: “Right okay, anything else?”

Jesus: “Yes”

Homie: “Ah, what is it?”

Jesus: “More money”

Homie: “Well, you got skills right some magic or some shit from god no?”

Jesus: ”No, common mistake unfortunately – I don’t know who told em Jesus had money growing on his back or that ‘god’ would be so ‘nice” to give Jesus “special skills” after basically letting humanity fuck themselves for over 2000 years, let alone… Magic skills. How would that make any sense?”

Homie: “Oh… doesn’t the Churche like ehr… keep your money until you return?”

Jesus: ”No, they just gather money to resurrect massive impractical buildings that cost a lot of money. They don’t have a proper plan i think for the money. They took the resurrection of Christ rather….literal. There is even a dress-code

Homie: “That’s fucked up yo”

Jesus: “Tell me about it and maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let money determine whether you can eat or not”

Homie: “Right…now that you mention it, no i can think of pretty much any other solution that would do at least…better

Jesus: “Anyway gotta work now, see ya”

Homie: “late…”

Side Notes:

* scratchy, because most will go against the grain like nails on a chalkboard (eeek) until it becomes the soft crackling of a needle on an old record (gkgkggpggg)

** it sounds somewhat awkward, but lets just make the difference in opening up your mind so people can put stuff in your head  (the kind of stuff that is very good at just being stuff without ever becoming something else, it also just sits there like whatthefuck…) don’t do that

*** in Roman times, being tied or punished for whatever, it is smart to turn the other cheek otherwise you get hit the same cheek twice and you’ll end up with a half blue face compared to a fully red face or slighter overall less blue face

**** if you are a young person and you are reading this side note, don’t bother – the excess of e’s is for old people to see better

***** not sturdy slippers made from sheep, but shoes made in a factory