Intro

This is a scratchy* and very basic guide with humor (the notes* are at the end of this document) or at least more than most ‘guides’ out here, since some of our authors were successful in using cursive words to make a point and also sarcasm, because the irony is that we need to be made perceptive that what you read might not actually be true and that in fact the exact opposite is true and this self-discovery makes for a great reminder not only of the point that is made but also of the importance of common sense

Right after this being said I can start with a short list of stuff all need to do, and need, not want. No, need.

8-step Guide(with humor)

First, before you read on, you need to open yourself physically** to the couple of things I am gonna bring across. (you don’t have to agree, just be open for it to possibly agree with you) Also I’m gonna make it as short and sharp as possible so you can laugh while you hurtin’

1) Love is the greatest unhappiness-machine ever built, so what about love? Well lets just make this short and simple: do that shit instead of speaking about it and writing endless songs about the same stuff

2) Get a smartphone, because its cool. Also check how often you take that thing to just fizzle around with it and use the smartphone as a tool to check how stupid you really are

3) Envy is like driving with your handbrake on, it works perfectly

4) Its much better to start with as little as possible, contrary to believe it doesn’t help to write a 1000 page document with everything you need, the problem is you can not know when you need what. It would be easier to burn it and start from scratch and stroke what you put down with the things you actually do

5) It pays off to be able to do things you are not good at, this doesn’t mean it always pays off but at least it outweighs not being able to do anything and the other things you can do won’t be so helpless

6) Don’t turn the other cheek***, rather stop the next hit and preferably prevent being hit all together (one slap is enough to make a point and actually not really necessary either)

7) The only thing you can control is breath and this is limited as well, you can’t stop breathing without some help so its only up to you how you breathe. The main problem with this is that when you think you are in control but aren’t unexpected things happen, like death

8) Death is also the worst that can happen in a very practical sense; its very hard to do stuff when you are dead. Making yourself vulnerable is the only way you get anything worth living for, because you actually put life in it you get life back

Jesus in the Hood

Say there would be, not saying that there will be, but say there would be a savior like Jesus or whatever figure and that person would find out that the entire herd (I haven’t read the bible but i heard that it was something with sheep and herders, which should be a clue already to not old people that it is slightly outdated) has been sittin’ in big boring outdated stone buildings ringing a bell, just… waiting

Ask yourself this: “how come this asshole god would put only one (white?) man on the earth to save an entire race?”I mean what the fuck. Fortunately a lot of people realize that even fore thee olde timees thisee isee awkwardee****

The other side of the above is that you need to be able to place yourself in the shoes***** of Jesus which could for example go like this:

Homie from Jesus’s Hood ringing Jesus…

Jesus: “…yeh, who’s this?”

Homie: “Hey J, its your homeboy. Do you need anything or you good?”

Jesus: “I need money”

Homie: “Right okay, anything else?”

Jesus: “Yes”

Homie: “Ah, what is it?”

Jesus: “More money”

Homie: “Well, you got skills right some magic or some shit from god no?”

Jesus: ”No, common mistake unfortunately – I don’t know who told em Jesus had money growing on his back or that ‘god’ would be so ‘nice” to give Jesus “special skills” after basically letting humanity fuck themselves for over 2000 years, let alone… Magic skills. How would that make any sense?”

Homie: “Oh… doesn’t the Churche like ehr… keep your money until you return?”

Jesus: ”No, they just gather money to resurrect massive impractical buildings that cost a lot of money. They don’t have a proper plan i think for the money. They took the resurrection of Christ rather….literal. There is even a dress-code

Homie: “That’s fucked up yo”

Jesus: “Tell me about it and maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let money determine whether you can eat or not”

Homie: “Right…now that you mention it, no i can think of pretty much any other solution that would do at least…better

Jesus: “Anyway gotta work now, see ya”

Homie: “late…”

Side Notes:

* scratchy, because most will go against the grain like nails on a chalkboard (eeek) until it becomes the soft crackling of a needle on an old record (gkgkggpggg)

** it sounds somewhat awkward, but lets just make the difference in opening up your mind so people can put stuff in your head  (the kind of stuff that is very good at just being stuff without ever becoming something else, it also just sits there like whatthefuck…) don’t do that

*** in Roman times, being tied or punished for whatever, it is smart to turn the other cheek otherwise you get hit the same cheek twice and you’ll end up with a half blue face compared to a fully red face or slighter overall less blue face

**** if you are a young person and you are reading this side note, don’t bother – the excess of e’s is for old people to see better

***** not sturdy slippers made from sheep, but shoes made in a factory

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The Camel and the Eye of the Needle

For a Camel it is absolutely impossible to pass through the eye of a needle, a real one at least. A real Camel through a real eye of a needle, go figure.

For the metaphorical one its easy, Camels don’t even move for it they just pass through it as it stands for the wormhole that gets you into heaven instantly – for a Camel there is no difference, they imagine it anyway.

Money doesn’t work on wormholes, they don’t take money (they take everything), because it flips straight out of existence since it has no real value except for the belief put into it

Camels, the metaphorical ones, are Eternal because they stay consistent and are self-sufficient (completely) as they stand as the mathematical perfection of the Universe including the loophole like the eye of the needle

For a camel it passes through the eye of the needle like its not even there because a Camel doesn’t need  an eye of the needle or a needle since it is a self all encompassing concept which is never  real, just funny

What is funny is that it is never really written like this: the i of the needle – probably because it isn’t allowed according to language rules – A Camel just does it anyway, because rules are just that: if it can be broken it isn’t a real rule

The Dragon and the Squirl

Dragons exist as exactly  what does not exist as the outline of things that might exist: thoughts

Just imagine how unreal they are yet the thoughts of a Human can be a scary place and then imagine the all encompassing opposite of that, so all kinds of Dragons can not exist

Squirls are very neat and go through madness more often then they’d like but for the Squirl anything might be dangerous except Dragons obviously

For them Dragons tell the best stories ever told before sleeping.

The Albatross and the blind Camel

Very little is known about how the Albatross locate their prey, what is known is that they spend a minimal amount of energy diving to their food

This says something about their tremendous sight and also what they do with the information, in other words how they use it which is smartly

The Camel in this story tried to relocate a piece of vegetation but failed, it happens even to Camels, and on top of that a nasty sand storm had come up and despite the large eyelashes Camels have, it blinded the poor thing

High above close to the sea the Albatross picked up the distress call and looked at the Camel

To the Camels surprise the actual intelect of the Bird clicked right in and gave the Camel the how to to get to the right place again

No words are required which is awesome and in this case it saved the Camels life which was exactly what was needed, Albatrosses are good like that and are very very very good at seeing

A Moose?

A Camel is different from a Moose to pick a random point of reference, but they do have everything in common strange as it may sound

With the Moose everything comes to them, also cars unfortunately, and they get a bit bothered with it, because they like their own space

The solution was found by the Moose to step aside.

Everything now goes by the Moose and sometimes a Moose, which are quite common in the world, steps in again and we are like: A Moose?

like its still a surprise everytime, even if you would see them every day

Even if you’d look away and look again you be like: A Moose?

The Cat that couldn’t Breathe

Cats have a natural instinct for survival and they go straight through everything  without even knowing it

This Cat couldn’t breathe properly and it ended up accidentally  in a desert, like Cats do – we don’t know how this Cat did it

Cats are just at the right place  and time  when they need to at the same time, strangely enough – but be assured its good that they are.

So it asked the Camel that was there and looked at the Cat with a question mark above his head, because Camels really don’t understand  Cats really

The Cat: “How do I breathe  normally?”

The Camel anwsered briefly: “Just do  it.”

The Camel and the Dolphins Dream

Camels rarely get lost, because of previously mentions features

This Camel did and ended up at the ocean, the problem with this is that Camels can’t drink salt water for obvious reasons (they don’t like it)

This Camel tried it anyway cause it didn’t have a choice, but just as it lowered its head it saw something amazing, even for a Camel…

A Dolphin is the symbol of enjoyment and the Camel could drink something Eternal from the Dolphin that was better to the Camels amazement than an actual oasis: pure enjoyment

It gave this little lost Camel the strength to go on even though it shouldn’t and find an actual oasis out of pure enjoyment

How the Heron caught the Fish

We don’t know very much about Herons except that they are very lean and soft and that they are very very very difficult emotionally

What emotions are exactly we don’t know so go figure how much we really know

Fish are just awake, so awake that it becomes scary. It’s probably the eyes that give the scary effect.

What they feel is unclear and clear at the same time, they are just very much aware of everything so the only answer can be awareness

Contrary to belief  Herons don’t carry Children to the parents, that is done lets say differently.

By the way a Heron catches a Fish by waiting and that takes a lot of patience

This bird, the Heron, is a great example of how you should be emotionally to bring up Children.

And the Fish, well lets just say is a great example of what else you should be